Face to Face with Reality

Every now and then it happens. I know people wonder - "How can you stand being sooo fat!" The thing is, I don't notice how fat I am. Oh, I know I'm overweight. I know I am large. But I seldom realize just how very large that is. I'm the photographer in the family. That means I'm never in the photos, I'm always behind the camera. Now my husband has permission to use my camera anytime he feels like it, but he never does. I enjoy scrapbooking, and I get ticked when I'm putting together a family event and I'm not in any of the pictures. My youngest has taken to taking pictures of everything - but she likes to take close-ups. Her photos are typically larger than life faces. If I'm in a photo, I'm behind someone, or holding something, or sitting, or half of my body is cut off. This is not really on purpose. I am so large that it's easier to use me as a background prop than the actual subject of the photo.

I got to see some photos taken of me this week. Reality bites. I know I'm big, but no, I didn't know I was that big. I've got the double chin, the huge, sagging boobs, and the spare tire. That's what did it. I'd never really seen the spare tire before.

So then the question, don't you have any mirrors in your house? Of course I do. And I do my hair in front of them, my make-up, I brush my teeth, I even check to see if my clothes are straight. But I seldom really look at myself in them. And, until two years ago, we didn't have any full-length mirrors. We changed the closet doors in the girls room into sliding mirrored doors, but you take your life into your hands trying to walk in there to get a glimpse of yourself.

I just don't think of myself as morbidly obese. In fact it took years of reminding myself that I was fat to get somewhat adjusted to the space I take up in the world. You know, in a crowded restaurant when you have to slip between two chairs, I had to literally remind myself "nope, you're too big, you can't fit through there." That thought occurs almost second-naturedly now. But to be this big? No, I didn't realize that I was this big.